Melancholy

I share a birthday with Abraham Lincoln, which I am proud of, sharing a birthday with our abolitionist president. I recently listened to an audio book (a recent addiction, especially for long road trips, like we did this summer, they make the time go MUCH faster! Also great for cleaning house, washing dishes, sorting piles of stuff you threw into a pile instead of putting away properly :) on him, it was called something to the effect of "Lincoln's Melancholy", and explored claims that Lincoln suffered from depression, but then they called it "melancholy". Based on the book, he came by it genetically, and circumstantially, suffering a lot of personal tragedy for one man. I cannot imagine suffering from it without the relief modern day medicines offer, and still leading this country and the fight against slavery.... because I have suffered from clinical depression, I now realize, since high school. 

The general symptoms I can recall feeling, but I specifically remember one night I found myself crying, bawling, for really no reason! My sweet mother held me and comforted me and kept asking, "What's wrong?" and I kept saying, "I don't know", and I really didn't. I felt torn apart inside, exhausted, beaten down and in a dark lonely place, but I didn't have any reason to feel that way; life was good, I had good friends and a loving family.

It wasn't until I was married, with two kids that I finally recognized and accepted the fact that I was depressed. I was married to my wonderful man and best friend with two beautiful happy girls and my dream job, and yet, I constantly felt

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions (at my worst I could not remember holding a conversation with someone that I know happened, and I'm not even 30 yet)
• fatigue and decreased energy (like I was physically being pushed down or slogging through mud)
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness (Pretty much constant, I would question people being nice or friendly to me. Felt I did not measure up as a wife, mother, employee, Christian, everything)
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism (Yes, and I might add, some paranoia, assuming people think the worst of me, and have ulterior motives if doing something kind. For example, in the grocery store, I would hear people talking and believe they were mocking my clothes, body, etc., while at the same time, knowing in my head that was probably not logically the case!)
• insomnia, early morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping (Mine was excessive sleeping, I wanted to do nothing more than sleep and chose sleep over hobbies, and this was all the time, not just when the kids were babies)
• irritability, restlessness (I would snap at those I love most, my husband and kids, for no reason at all. I constantly cussed, under my breath to myself, and was always angry...at traffic, at people, circumstances, a toy I tripped over, ANYTHING)
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex (I used to love to draw, paint, write stories, read but can count on one hand how often that happened while depressed. I didn't have the energy to even start the task, let alone enjoy it)
• no pleasure left in life any more
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings (I very often felt incredibly lonely, even when surrounded with friends and family, and empty-literally, like there was a big hole inside of my widening constantly)

(These feelings that often come with depression were copied from WebMD, I elaborated about my experience in parentheses)

I want to write more, but I'm having trouble doing it. Didn't foresee that. :( 

This -talking about depression- is probably the main reason I started a blog of my own, because it's a constant battle. I take an antidepressant daily, and I thank God for it! It enables me to live "normally" to find joy everyday in my children's smiles and play, and to spend time content and happy with my husband. Some days are still hard, even with the medication and they remind me to thank God all the more for all the good days! Recently I went a week without my prescription because my insurance changed their policies and I played phone tag, long distance,  with nurses at my doctor's office trying to get a prescription called that would work and that the insurance would cover. It was a miserable week. I felt hopeless, empty, guilty, bitchy. I was just awful to my sweet kids, snapping at them for DUMB things! I would instantly feel sorry and ashamed and apoplogize then it would happen again minutes later. The inner turmoil, knowing what's wrong, how it needs to change and not being able to make the changes, were miserable. All the feelings I listed above, I Know with my head aren't real ( I know I'm loved and I measure up to God and to my family), but when you really FEEL it....it's....just hard. 

Because I have a relationship with God, and I know we are spritual beings, I don't  deny the fact that this war in me may be more than a chemical imbalance. In fact prayer and time with God is part of my "stay out of the depths of depression" regimen. I can feel it when I haven't been spending time with God. 

There are some Christians who think depression is solely a spiritual matter, and with them I respectfully disagree. My husband felt the same way when we were married and after seeing little relief through only spiritual means, he has come to agree with me that certainly time with God is vital in any Christian's life, but for me, medication corrects the chemical imbalance in my brain and makes me feel alive again, and make me want to rejoin my life and family, to smile & laugh again, joke, run and play.

 I spent months in personal therapy working through issues that needed to be worked through. Someday I'll share about those issues here. But medication is what really gave me my life back. I thank God for the women God brought into my life in Wichita to help me see my struggle for what it was and walk me through the steps toward healing and finding joy again, the "greater joy" that only He gives.