Pet Peeves

When some lady, who appears to be my age OR YOUNGER calls me "Sweety" or "Honey"...it's endearing from a Grandma-type, but condescending from the former. Grr.

When dinner's on the table and I say(with prior warning!) "Let's eat" and no one makes a move. I've been working on their food for the past 30-60ish minutes, when it's ready, they better be too :)

Melancholy

I share a birthday with Abraham Lincoln, which I am proud of, sharing a birthday with our abolitionist president. I recently listened to an audio book (a recent addiction, especially for long road trips, like we did this summer, they make the time go MUCH faster! Also great for cleaning house, washing dishes, sorting piles of stuff you threw into a pile instead of putting away properly :) on him, it was called something to the effect of "Lincoln's Melancholy", and explored claims that Lincoln suffered from depression, but then they called it "melancholy". Based on the book, he came by it genetically, and circumstantially, suffering a lot of personal tragedy for one man. I cannot imagine suffering from it without the relief modern day medicines offer, and still leading this country and the fight against slavery.... because I have suffered from clinical depression, I now realize, since high school. 

The general symptoms I can recall feeling, but I specifically remember one night I found myself crying, bawling, for really no reason! My sweet mother held me and comforted me and kept asking, "What's wrong?" and I kept saying, "I don't know", and I really didn't. I felt torn apart inside, exhausted, beaten down and in a dark lonely place, but I didn't have any reason to feel that way; life was good, I had good friends and a loving family.

It wasn't until I was married, with two kids that I finally recognized and accepted the fact that I was depressed. I was married to my wonderful man and best friend with two beautiful happy girls and my dream job, and yet, I constantly felt

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions (at my worst I could not remember holding a conversation with someone that I know happened, and I'm not even 30 yet)
• fatigue and decreased energy (like I was physically being pushed down or slogging through mud)
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness (Pretty much constant, I would question people being nice or friendly to me. Felt I did not measure up as a wife, mother, employee, Christian, everything)
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism (Yes, and I might add, some paranoia, assuming people think the worst of me, and have ulterior motives if doing something kind. For example, in the grocery store, I would hear people talking and believe they were mocking my clothes, body, etc., while at the same time, knowing in my head that was probably not logically the case!)
• insomnia, early morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping (Mine was excessive sleeping, I wanted to do nothing more than sleep and chose sleep over hobbies, and this was all the time, not just when the kids were babies)
• irritability, restlessness (I would snap at those I love most, my husband and kids, for no reason at all. I constantly cussed, under my breath to myself, and was always angry...at traffic, at people, circumstances, a toy I tripped over, ANYTHING)
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex (I used to love to draw, paint, write stories, read but can count on one hand how often that happened while depressed. I didn't have the energy to even start the task, let alone enjoy it)
• no pleasure left in life any more
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings (I very often felt incredibly lonely, even when surrounded with friends and family, and empty-literally, like there was a big hole inside of my widening constantly)

(These feelings that often come with depression were copied from WebMD, I elaborated about my experience in parentheses)

I want to write more, but I'm having trouble doing it. Didn't foresee that. :( 

This -talking about depression- is probably the main reason I started a blog of my own, because it's a constant battle. I take an antidepressant daily, and I thank God for it! It enables me to live "normally" to find joy everyday in my children's smiles and play, and to spend time content and happy with my husband. Some days are still hard, even with the medication and they remind me to thank God all the more for all the good days! Recently I went a week without my prescription because my insurance changed their policies and I played phone tag, long distance,  with nurses at my doctor's office trying to get a prescription called that would work and that the insurance would cover. It was a miserable week. I felt hopeless, empty, guilty, bitchy. I was just awful to my sweet kids, snapping at them for DUMB things! I would instantly feel sorry and ashamed and apoplogize then it would happen again minutes later. The inner turmoil, knowing what's wrong, how it needs to change and not being able to make the changes, were miserable. All the feelings I listed above, I Know with my head aren't real ( I know I'm loved and I measure up to God and to my family), but when you really FEEL it....it's....just hard. 

Because I have a relationship with God, and I know we are spritual beings, I don't  deny the fact that this war in me may be more than a chemical imbalance. In fact prayer and time with God is part of my "stay out of the depths of depression" regimen. I can feel it when I haven't been spending time with God. 

There are some Christians who think depression is solely a spiritual matter, and with them I respectfully disagree. My husband felt the same way when we were married and after seeing little relief through only spiritual means, he has come to agree with me that certainly time with God is vital in any Christian's life, but for me, medication corrects the chemical imbalance in my brain and makes me feel alive again, and make me want to rejoin my life and family, to smile & laugh again, joke, run and play.

 I spent months in personal therapy working through issues that needed to be worked through. Someday I'll share about those issues here. But medication is what really gave me my life back. I thank God for the women God brought into my life in Wichita to help me see my struggle for what it was and walk me through the steps toward healing and finding joy again, the "greater joy" that only He gives.

Third Culture Kid Addendum

Photo #1 Jerry in a canoe in his village in Papua New Guinea (PNG)

Photo #2 Jerry, his dad & a Papua New Guinean man reading over the new translation of the New Testament Jerry's dad translated

#3 Jerry & his parents in front of their home on Bougainville Island, Papua New Guinea, when Jerry was a teenager

#4 Breanna in Costa Rica with Ticos from the Los Guido church

#5 Breanna at a pastors' families' retreat in Costa Rica (tall white one in the back, always) 

*Note: Jerry's parents met and were married in Papua New Guinea, Jerry was born and raised his whole childhood there, attending a variety of national schools, mission schools and occasionally was home schooled.

Breanna moved to Costa Rica at age 11 and was there through her junior year in high school, though not a long time period, being they were such formative years, Costa Rica IS home for Breanna.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Third Culture Kids (abbreviated TCKs or 3CKs) (aka. Global Nomad) "refers to someone who [as a child] has spent a significant period of time in one or more culture(s) other than his or her own, thus integrating elements of those cultures and their own birth culture, into a third culture".^[1] The composition of TCK sponsors changed greatly after WWII. Prior to WWII, 66% of TCKs came from missionary families and 16% came from business families. After WWII, with the increase of international business and the rise of two International Superpowers, the composition of international families changed.^[2] Sponsors are generally broken down into five categories: Missionary (17%), Business (16%), Government (23%), Military (30%), and "Other" (14%).^[3]

Since the term was coined by sociologist Ruth Hill Useem in the 1960's, TCKs have become a heavily studied global subculture. TCKs tend to have more in common with one another, regardless of nationality, than they do with non-TCKs from their own country.^[4][5]

"A Cross-Cultural Kid (CCK) is a person who has lived in—or meaningfully interacted with—two or more cultural environments for a significant period of time during developmental years.” - CCK definition by Ruth E. Van Reken, co-author Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds

3rd Culture Kid

 Olivia would absolutely kill me if she knew I was putting this on the blog...but I just have to share. She won for craziest hair at the sleepover. She actually let me do all this to her hair and was good natured about it. I wanted to get some of that halloween hair color spray, but she would have none of that. She HATES to have her hair cut, or do anything "strange"  that I would do with mine, like allow my stylist to try as many color combinations as she'd like in my hair, or chop it all off in a whim. To me it is JUST HAIR and will grow back if I don't like. My hair is like a mood ring. I don't like it to be the same for too long at a time. Though I have pretty much decided long hair is not for me. The shortest and funkiest  I can get without looking retarded or blimp-like, I'm game. But that's me, NOT my daughter, Olivia. She hates my modern/abstract choices in decorating art, what have you. In Wichita, we had a beautiful floral couch that was given to us, I agree it was pretty, but it was just not my style. I had beige cover for it, that constantly had to be arranged to look nice. Olivia often would just take the cover off completely, and then I'd come back through and put it on again. She couldn't believe I painted our dining room red. She hates that I give her three- year-old brother a mohawk. When I come back from getting my hair cut and/or colored, I know better than to ask what she thinks...so  I say, "well wait 'til you have your own house to decorate, walls to paint, son's head to take care of. " So that's why she would kill me to know these photos are here. But that's just why I have to share!!!

I have come a long way in developing my own personality and tastes since I was her age. My gosh it makes me shake my head...she is JUST LIKE I WAS at this age!! I was a little adult, wanted to be all grown up, not seen as a child in the least. I had wise observations on the statements and actions of my little sister, as she does on her sibs. I wanted to be "proper", not too wild, not drawing too much attention to myself, being just unique enough to feel a bit adventurous. She is painfully, paralyzingly afraid of situations she didn't expect, couldn't see coming, couldn't prepare herself for. I would have been the same. I have slowly worked myself out of the painful shyness I had as a kid & teenager because of which I COULD NOT MAKE MYSELF say something to someone I didn't know, couldn't even think of anything to say, so afraid there would be knots in my stomach. So we're not surprised at her complaints of stomach and throat pain amidst all our moving and making new friends, visiting new churches for support, churches to attend while here for two months of training etc. Just one of the reasons the kids stayed with grandparents while Jerry and I were on the road all summer sharing about our ministry and developing ministry partnerships.

We ask most for prayers for Olivia

with our move to Kenya, because she doesn't know how to prepare herself for this. We've

 done all that we can. She has a pen pal in Kenya who's daddy is also an AIM-Air pilot. We've

 studied Africa extensively in our home schooling. We've studied Swahili. We've talked a lot about the orientation we'll got through for three weeks when we get there, the two weeks living in a Kenyan family's home after that. We've talked about jet lag, race, accents, not drinking the water, crowds, crime, how she'll likely have people pawing over her hair, different culture....absolutely everything we can think of to possibly prepare our precious daughter for what she will face. 

Yet we don't know just what she'll face. We don't know what we'll face. Because Jerry grew up in Papua New Guinea and I grew up in Costa Rica, we CAN assure here that IT WILL BE OKAY, but really,

 how much does that help coming from mom and dad??

We had fun at the mother/daughter sleep over and it was great to see her with friends being her silly, playful uninhibited self. I was SO glad to see her feeling at ease, not out of place, not unsure of what to make of everything as she has been with all the changes in the past couple years. We are at a mission center and all the kids here GET IT... They know what it's like to always be in limbo, never being "home"...but here she can say, "I just live here for two months, then we're at grandma & Grandpa's and then we fly across the world to a country I've never been and I am supposed to call it home and be happy about that and the fact I'm leaving friends behind. I am supposed to smile and be cordial to all the new people I meet, all the people I've known since I was 'this

 high', all the people who said they changed my diaper..." I get what it feels like for her to be comfortable with kids that just understand all that without saying a word.  I understand that she doesn't yet know that that is who she is now  -a child without a "home". From now on, she will always have to stop and think when people ask where she's from. 

By virtue of us deciding God has called our family overseas, we've made her an outsider in the country she was born in. Sure, she looks it and her passport says it, but from now on, she will belong to- not the second country we will live in and make home as best we can (Kenya)- but a third culture...the culture of those kids (like the ones at this center) who don't feel quite at home anymore in their "passport country",  yet when in their at home abroad country, clearly, the skin color, the accent doesn't match; so she is a member of the third culture, made up by smooshing (technical term) the cultures she knows together.

 It will be hard. She will cry for her best friend left behind in the states who will seem to forget her as her life goes on though Olivia's will take a while to "get going", and find "normal" in Kenya. She will cry when she can't see her grandparents her first birthday or Christmas abroad. Will we abort our plans for all the pain this move will cause? Not a chance. We know, having been MKs (Missionary Kids),  that though there is much pain, there is much happiness. Mention a continent now, we probably have a friend there. Listen to the world news, we've got a particular insight into what's going on because we've been there or seen a government do that, we know missionaries there and this is what their ministry is all about.... Our lives are much richer for the experiences we've had. Our spiritual lives are much more developed for the missionaries of great faith who we watched in action, for the nationals, new Christians with faiths that put ours to shame when we doubt that God will not heal or move this mountain or change that government policy. They pray for dinner and it shows up. They pray for healing and it happens. Their life was threatened and cursed and God protected them. 

These are the stories we want Olivia  to see and feel. I want her to cry like I did in despair at the mountainside slums with no running water where the children are dirty sick and starving. I want her to feel what God must when he sees it and hears their prayers daily. God has not only called Jerry & me to the mission field. He's not ignorant to the fact we have three children and there's a reason, probably lots of them he wants them there too. I can't wait to see what they will be. But in the meantime, please pray for my baby as she sees how hard it is to become an MK and third culture kid.

to be a blogger

Here's proof we did the zip line of the Costa Rican rain forest canopy as I mentioned at the end of this post :) This was after our wedding in Costa Rica in 2001. This was the first of two of these type of zip lines we did...this was more scary because you had to break yourself with your hand in a leather glove, though I found that hard to do because my hand was getting hot and beginning to hurt. The second place we ziplined, ear Arenal volcano, was a lot more professional and you had a mechanical brake, but mostly the guides took care of stopping you.

There they are, the joys of my life! My husband the love of my life. Prince Charming & Mr. Right (okay, minus the nose hair he might be perfect, but he IS human) -the man that puts up with an amazing amount of ...everything from me. More on that later. And my three favorite kids in the world: Olivia 1o, Grace 5, and Isaiah 3 (aka Darth Vader, but not as scary giving me the double thumbs up!). 

 Alright,  that's the description on a good day. On a bad day, I want to sell them to the zoo (which I threaten regularly), pull my hair out, run screaming to the hills (or at least to the grocery store which is usually my retreat of choice, from a rough day,  once Jerry gets home) any moms, esp. home school moms can give an "amen" there? I love my kids, I love my man, but somedays, I need a little more personal space, a moment's peace (at least in the bathroom -is that too much to ask?!?)

I've been reflecting a lot on a lot of things. 

-Why we choose to homeschool, why I wouldn't change that (unless my kids really, really really wanted to give "real" school a try,  and it wasn't just because at the moment I was making them do spelling , math or an EDUCATIONAL computer game :), 

-Why I can't wait to get to Africa and see how I can be of use to the children of Africa, orphans of Africa, and Africa Inland Mission in the time I'm not home schooling; 

-and what it feels like to be in the shadow of the valley of depression.

-and how far I've come, no, -scratch that- how far GOD HAS BROUGHT ME since being the rebellious pregnant and unwed  freshman at the Christian college MY parents (both pastors and missionaries) went to,  to today -being a missionary myself, having been on staff at a church as Children's Ministry Director, and making it through college as a single mom to finally get my teaching degree and even, gasp, being successful at it enough to win an award as student teacher of the year. God is amazing...taking the broken pieces of my life that I shattered and making them into a beautiful mosaic. That's the business my God is in, miracles and amazing transformations.

Jerry & I have a blog that is mainly for the purpose of communicating about our ministry of reaching Africa through aviation with Africa Inland Mission. But I felt I needed a place to "journal" if you will, to purge my thoughts and feelings, and find out if there's anyone out there that feels the same. 

Maybe on some things you will think I'm off base, maybe you agree. Maybe you want to dialogue with me...since this cool technological tool of today, the blog, exists, I'm going to give it a shot instead of my traditional random notebook that would end up 

misplaced in a pile in a drawer somewhere, in favor of a cooler looking notebook with all fresh pages. 

So here it is, my inaugural blog post...along  with, of course, photos of my kids. :) I'm a visual learner, you see, so I MUST have photos to make my blog visually appealing.

I've got thoughts I want to share...on depression, on halloween, macs (vs. the pc, not mac 'n' cheese...maybe someday I'll long to post on that, how I wish they made a boxed whole wheat version, but I digress), hair dye, tattoos, other stuff....but it's time to make dinner for my fam and then go to a  mother/daughter sleepover with 

Olivia, So it will have to wait. 

Later, Breanna Friday, Oct. 10,2008

P.S. I mention in my very long sidebar (at right) that among my favorites are the preacher Erwin McManus; the tv show, The Office; and it's not listed as one of my favs, but kind of a given, I believe, since I am from there...Costa Rica. So it was with sheer joy, on listening to Erwin McManus' latest podcast, I shrieked with joy (internally, because I am lying on the couch with mostly flu-like syptoms) when Erwin's opening sermon illustration was about the last Office 

episode and his travels to Costa Rica, and how Toby, from the Office, fell from a zip line through the rainforest canopy and broke his neck. I've done that (the zip line part, not that the falling from the zip line part)!!! Jerry & I, in fact all of my family (the adults anyway) did that on our wedding trip in 2001. Wahoo!!!! Besides that, it was a very timely message and incredible. You should definitely check it out...you can find it at Mosaic.org/podcasts it's the message for 9/28/08, from the "Falling Forward" message series, entitled, "Fear"(the Erwin McManus' one, not Hank Fortener...Hank's I'm sure is great too, but haven't listened to that,  and can't imagine he would use the same illustrations as my main man, Erwin.)