In Kenya!!!

(Sorry, this is the same post from our dust, heat and dreams blog, but I am super tired and jet lagged, dizzy.)

We made it! Early Sunday morning(Jan. 18) Kenya time we arrived after an unexpected stop in Cairo, Egypt to try and fix a water problem on the plane. An AIM AIR pilot met us in customs to help us through and welcome us! The airline misplaced one of our 15 checked bags, but they already knew about it, so we should have it in a day or so.

We are tired! We crossed eight time zones, so our bodies will need time to adjust to Kenya time. They say the best cure for jet lag is sleep, so benadryl helped us last night when the kids were jabbering...it was only 6pm in Indiana where we had left from, but 2 in the morning in Kenya!!
We are at a guest house for two days before we head off to orientation(henceforth to be referred to ABO, which stands for Africa Based Orientation in AIM circles) in Machakos, a couple hours southeast of here.
Grace is busy making friends already. Isaiah is a little overwhelmed with eyes easily tearing up when mom and dad are out of eyesight. Olivia's doing well so far(She did not faint or "freak out" in the plane or the airport as she predicted. Thank you for your prayers!), eager to explore the area, enjoying the flowers, weather and a surprise dvd copy of Prince Caspian I just produced to help pass the time while I slept this morning.
We are excited to finally be here! We thank God for His provision for preparing us to come and for safe travels!

I Fly Out tomorrow for New York (gateway to Kenya for us)

But, I, of course, am procrastinating from doing the things one should be doing before leaving on that flight in the morning to move overseas like: washing clothes; weighing my suitcases once more just in case and making sure my carry-ons contain no sharp dangerous objects like deadly tweezers or terror inciting nail clippers; searching under every couch, in every drawer and other nooks and crannies for treasures my children have squirreled away somewhere here at mom and dad's; giving my children a bath; going to bed...but instead I adding the following to this blog:

Four Places I go over and over and over:
Starbucks- when I have a gift card!
Aldi- cheapest grocery store
Dollar Tree- cheapest store of random household and other nonsense item
Goodwill-cheap if you find a treasure!

Four Places I'd rather be right now:
1) in Kenya already
2) at Target with money
3) with my awesome husband (he and Isaiah are in Chicago waiting for an Amtrak train to take them to New York via Pennsylvania. The girls and I fly out tomorrow and arrive BEFORE Jerry and Isaiah in New York -the length we'll go to save a buck or hundreds- so that we can be briefed at AIM headquarters before we fly to Nairobi, Kenya in east Africa, our new home!)
4) in bed already done with the stuff I'm currently avoiding doing

Four (okay, 6) Places I like to Eat:
N&J Cafe- a delicious Mediterranean eatery in Wichita, KS, where we lived once upon a time
Rosti Pollo- in Costa Rica, a rotisseri chicken place with lots of other yummy Costa Rican foods!
Queen Sheba- Ethopian restaurant in Worthington, MN, where we lived once upon a time most recently
Taco Bell
Red Robin
Burger King

Four TV Shows I could watch over and over and over:
Psych
Monk
The Office
30 Rock

Go time! No sweat.

Wowie wow wow! (That's what one of my favorite kids' book characters, Junie B. Jones, would say!) Just about a week 'til we fly across the big ol' pond Africa bound! I'm excited, and thrilled to see the culmination of years' worth of preparation...finally the dream we've worked toward is on the horizon! What an incredible journey!!!
I'm not nervous, apprehensive or worried about any of it....not the flight/train connections, not entertaining the kids on the long transatlantic flight, the jet lag when we get there, whether all our luggage will arrive and in what state. Maybe it's because both Jerry and I have made numerous overseas trips, we just don't seem too concerned about those details, praise God!

Well, AIM takes a lot of those details out of our hands, and if it's hands- no need to worry! They submitted our visa applications, purchased our airline tickets, transport us to the airport, arrange for our pick up in Nairobi and delivery to the mission guest house, our first stop to rest and get over jet lag (which, by the way, sounded to Grace like something awful, "jet lag! That sounds as bad as getting your blood drawn!" She's a trip! Ne'er a dull moment in this family!!
My only concern really is that Olivia will share Jerry's and my excitement at finally arriving in Kenya and drinking in all the sites and sounds of that rich and vibrant place! I pray she will make good friends fast. As I mentioned, I'm sure, I believe for her that will be the key to releasing her anxiety and embracing our new life in Africa.

We won't be "at home", in the home we'll be living in Nairobi at first. First couple days are at the guest house to decompress, then three weeks in Africa Based Orienation AIM provides to give us all the info. we need about Kenyan/ African culture, language learning (Swahili), and everything else we need to know to survive our first few months in Africa. We'll even get a personal "guide" to show us how to ride local public transport (which makes me chuckle....after countless buses and taxis in Costa Rica, I think I could handle whatever Nairobi can throw out us, but I'm glad AIM's got ALL the bases covered. After orientation, we spend 4 weeks with a Kenyan family to experience in person all we've learned about the culture, and more I'm sure! Please pray Grace can keep her opinions on food to herself!! It's hard for me to make a meal she will eat without complaints, so brand new cuisine makes us worry she'll embarass or hurt the feelings of our Kenyan hosts....we have of course discussed it all with her, but she has trouble holding back her emotions :)
FYI, a typical Kenyan meal would probably consist of: meat (beef or goat) or beans, sukuma wiki (“Sukuma wiki” is Swahili for “push the week.” Sukuma wiki is kale, cooked with fat, tomatoes, onions, salt, and beef flavoring. This is also a main food of East Africans because it is inexpensive and easy to grow. The locals can eat this many days in a row on very little money and it gets them through the week.) and ugali (Ugali is a main food of East Africans. It is made with maize flour and water and is cooked until the mixture is hard. It is served in large brick-shaped pieces and is usually eaten with meat, chicken, fish, or vegetables.

I know I've been writing sparsely on this blog, there has been lots to keep us busy as we prepare to move overseas, as you can imagine. After the first three months in Kenya, when we're finally into our rental house, I DO plan to write more and share all the new and "fun" adventures we're sure to have living in Nairobi, encountering big bugs, new foods, new neighbors and a host of other new challenges we haven't yet considered. Will let you know once we've arrived in Kenya! PLEASE pray for us and thank you for your friendship and encouragement all along the path of this journey!!

Breanna

Up all night, but the packing is DONE!! I must say, I really hate moving, but think we've picked the wrong profession in that case!

Sure are looking forward to Nairobi's warm weather we'll get to experience first hand in less than a month!!

Packing today!!! Ugh! I think this is the FINAL pack! This is the stuff we're loading into a rented trailer and taking with us tomorrow to headquarters in New York for shipment to Kenya. Pray, pray, pray we get it all done with as little pain as possible!!!

Jerry and I are also feeling frustrated that we see no chance for time alone for the next three months as we spend Christmas with family in cabins in West Virginia, travel to Kenya, spend three weeks in dorms at Africa Based Orientation and then 4 weeks in a Kenyan family's home. Please play we can find stealed moments for closeness!

7th Anniversary

Seven years and still so happy together! Though we're not together today (he's 722 miles away, in fact), he called me first thing to wish me a happy anniversary. He's taking care of the family, getting us ready to move to Africa. We'll celebrate when he gets back, along with celebrating reaching 100% support!
My man is so incredible he is now in Minnesota loading our stuff that was in storage during training into a trailer in weather with a predicted HIGH of -3 deg, low of -13!! Now THAT's LOVE!

fear, other feelings, and the rest of the story

Wow...so long since I have written, but so much I have wanted to say!!
There's been so much to do...packing, printing & mailing newsletters, writing LOTS of thank yous for jaw dropping generosity, filling out Kenya visa applications, making travel plans, shopping for Christmas, shopping for a move to Africa, celebrating an early Christmas with my family, celebrating Thanksgiving....just a lot!

The countdown to our financial clearance deadline last week was a nailbiter! It was the day when we found out of our target date to leave for Africa in January was going to happen or if we would have to wait until July. My feelings vacillated between fear and peace. The peace He provided, never fails me with calm when needed...and He knows when we needed it. Seemed like if I was stressed with details, worry, Jerry was a rock. If he was stressin', I was cool. We work so well. God knew that full well when he brought us together :) About the fear over the deadline...years ago fear ruled my life, but since my return to Him from my prodigal days, it's not been the debilitating frightening pain as before, just little meanders when I forget who's really in charge and got us all in His palm. And the dream helped to bring clarity to the situation....I dream vivid dreams all the time, often very strange, I think perhaps caused by depression meds, but most the time I just find them entertaining. Every now there's one so real that I wake shaken to the core. The last one of those was the dream in high school of being on death row and walking to the gallows under the glare of a poisonous crowd, save one friend that was the only one that wanted me to live. I was hung in my dream. Woke up choking. Yikes. This dream was worse. It was that I saw a snake had found it's way into our house and in the scuffle to try and get it out, Grace and Isaiah were bitten...and died. I literally felt the anguish and loss in my dream, and felt I lived through days of loss. And then I woke up to the "problem" before me, a mere money matter...no illness, no death, no loss of a precious child. Just another wacky dream or God's creative way of bringing things into perspective? :)

Given my own experiences with God, how I could've doubted Him is tragic...but really I didn't DOUBT, just wasn't sure His timing was aligned with ours. So I'm delighted to say God moved that mountain! He brought in $15,000 in donations and $3,000 in monthly pledges in 4 weeks!!! Only GOD can do that! Hallelujah! I am so excited to finally be going to Africa! We're at the culminating point of literally years of praying, planning and preparing and am just jumpin' out of my skin with joy!!!

The only dampening of this happpiness is for my precious first daughter. Olivia is very anxious, nearly paralyzed with fear. She just doesn't know what this move will look like for her and is leaving the familiar. I cry out to God for peace for her that I feel. I KNOW God will certainly provided for her emotional needs as he does for the financial ones, but will appreciate your help in taking it to the Father. I am praying that she will quickly make good friends in Kenya, I believe that if that happens, she will be able to relax and everything else will fall into place for her.

Olivia and Jerry are in Minnesota now gathering the belongings we left stored there when we went for training in North Carolina. I think this is great timing for Olivia to see her good friends again and bid another farewell. They're staying at her best friend's house and Olivia was even recruited at the 11th hour to participate in our church's kids' Christmas play, which she will just love. I just wish I could be there to see it. It's so fun to watch her with her friends, like a flower that opens to the sun in the morning, -having friends that love her for who she is brings out the real wacky fun-loving, creative, good-natured loyal Olivia.

I mentioned how my life experience with God has given me freedom from fear...let me elaborate a bit...I became pregnant with Olivia my freshman year in college, in the midst of a depressed, lonely, dark, rebellious period in my life as a prodigal, running from God and my family in trying to discern my true identity. Becoming pregnant as a single college student at the Christian college my parents' attended, and being the daughter of missionaries, I was devastated...but I now know she saved my life, probably...certainly saved me from more heart ache. Because when alone in that bathroom stall reading a positive pregnant test, I knew my choices would now effect another life beside my own only. Had it not been for Olivia, I might have fallen into drugs or had more bad boyfriends in my history, I probably would have run from God much, much longer. But pregnancy is the hardest indiscretion to hide :) I had to face head on the turmoil inside that was causing me to make my life an effective tornado of bad decisions. It was awful walking around campus being the one every one knew had messed up. It felt awful telling Mom and Dad over the phone long distance in Costa Rica what I had done. Bringing my parents to tears was like being stabbed. So thanks to God bringing Olivia into my life, I stopped smoking immediately, eventually cut loose the bad boyfriends bringing me down more than building me up, and eventually (after a LONG 9 agonizing months and 2 weeks after her birth) gave in to God because of the persistent prayers and presence of my Mom and her words I'll never forget, "You can always come home." They were a salve to my soul. So with a one month old Olivia, I went back home to Costa Rica with Mom and lived home again for a year while seeking healing and redemption from God and my parents and myself, all the while struggling to learn how to be a single mom. I was forgiven and clung to His incredible grace like a security blanket. I knew what depths I was capable of without Him and how undeserving of His great love I am! This is when the height of fear fought to take residence within me. I believe now it was the enemy seeking to keep God's plan, that we now see coming to fruition, from occurring. I could not sleep at night, when I tried to still my mind to sleep, thoughts of the depths I'd sunk to plagued me, movies slowly played of horrible scenes I had willingly participated in and hideous fears wrapped their icy fingers around my heart. Irrational fears that Olivia's biological father would somehow legally take her away from me forever (even though he had attempted NO contact, or to support her in any way). I was lonely and incredibly guilty since my choices meant she was growing up without a father, and that she would one day have to face the fact that he had chosen to not seek a relationship with her. I was sure I had destroyed both our lives and doomed us to a welfare existence. I SO dreaded going to bed because that's when that merciless frigid hand would squeeze harder and harder and make me feel smaller and smaller.

I don't remember a specific turning point. I just know it got better, the more I hungered for and sought God, the easier it was to sleep, to trust. It took years, but God took the fear and gave me joy, "His greater joy"!!! I can't help but shake my head in amazement that through His grace and that of my family, we made it through college -as a single mom & todder; and an amazing man, brought by God, somehow fell in love with this flawed and broken person and saw beauty and wanted to also become Olivia's true father by adopting her a year after our wedding in Costa Rica. Yes, I klnow that was a huge run-on, but breaking up the incredible miracle God has done in this life....just couldn't do it. So now, you know the story and can share our amazement that God has taken the life I shattered and arranged all those broken pieces, made a beautiful family and made our dream for family ministry, to serve his purposes in Africa through aviation, imminent. Wow!

My God is in the business of miracles. I praise You, Jesus!!

So Grateful!!!

I am thankful for:

Wish all days could be like today

(I wrote this a couple weeks ago and forgot it was waiting to post!)
Wish all days could be like today...The perfect home school day in our household:

-because I was able to get up on time ( I love to BE up early, and get a lot of stuff done before much of the day is gone...but I don't like to GET up early. I'm a night owl, not a morning person. It takes me a while and a cup of coffee to get going in the morning...and usually by the time I've stumbled out of bed and have my coffee, I must rush to get Grace & Isaiah ready for preschool: dressed, hair brushed or gelled (Isaiah's mohawk), and fed breakfast), and I usually throw a sweatshirt on to camouflage the fact I'm still in my pajamas when I drop them off)

-I got Grace and Isaiah to pre-school on time (they're supposed to be there at 8, at which time they have stories read for them for 20 minutes while their teachers do devotions with the director, then their teachers take them to their classes...so Grace let's me hear it when they're late and have missed story time)

-Olivia actually got up when I told her to so she was dressed and fed and READING by the time I came back from dropping off the littler squirts (She is like me- a night owl and not a morning person- and I usually have to holler at her about ten times to get up, after turning on her light and opening up curtains and leaving her door open so she can hear her brother and sister being loud; and then I usually resort to physically pulling her up to sitting and making her climb down from the top bunk so she's on her feet)

-I got the dishes washed and kitchen cleaned up while Olivia read and did math (I can't face the dishes at night, I'm usually so wiped out from the day and just want to hang out with Jerry and relax before the bedtime routines begin...but it's hard to find a good time during the day to get them done. Morning is ideal, but I don't want to have Olivia wait on me while I wash them....so when I actually get something done that needed to be done while she's working on her own, it's stinkin' awesome!!) Added to the fact is that she did math on her own, WITHOUT COMPLAINT, WHINING, or TEARS...which is more often than not the norm -which is why math, along with spelling, handwriting and language arts- are the first things we do, so the stuff she likes more: history & science, are a treat for doing the necessary evils)

-We were focused and got A LOT of studying done (I get distracted easily, if I'm not careful I can waste an hour on the computer when I had intended to look something up super quick and get back to teaching. Unfortunately, Olivia's the same and likes to try and multi-task also....but I have to keep an eagle eye on her to make sure she's really paying the most attention to the priority task at hand- learning.)

-We were done with "school" before noon!! (At our best, we can get "school" done in 2 hours and have the rest of the day for whatever, however, with distractions and interruptions, some days were not done until late afternoon!)

I've been very blessed so far this year to have only one student, as we took advantage of the opportunity for Grace & Isaiah to go the MK Station (Missionary Kid Pre-school, here on this mission center) 8a-12p weekdays. We leave here this weekend (We left Tuesday, Nov. 11) and I will then also start home schooling Grace in Kindergarten work (and Isaiah when he wants to be helpful; and keeping Isaiah busy with something else when he's not helpful). I am in awe of the home school moms I know who school multiple children and have more than one under school age child. 

PLEASE Comment and give me your tips, Wonder Moms!

Don't misunderstand, I love teaching, love home schooling and love that I get the opportunity to do so. I am blessed to have the privilege to be home with my children!! The biggest difficulty with it we have is (big surprise) avoiding being derailed by the "tyranny of the urgent": housework, phone calls, potty training (which we are in the midst of with Isaiah, which means an alarm goes off every 15-30 mins. and I stop whatever I'm teaching to dash off and take the boy potty....or clean up an accident and change his clothes), getting drinks for kids, snacks for kids, setting up a game on the computer for the littler kids, paying bills, making meals, doing laundry, checking e-mail, checking e-bay, writing/editing/stuffing envelopes with/ labeling envelopes for/ sending newsletters, updating the blogs :), taking a shower....you get the idea.

Why did we choose to homeschool? It started out with just a couple reasons, but we have since added to that list with the new reasons we've discovered. At first, we started home schooling because we planned,  since getting married,  to go into overseas missions and are interested in being posted in an outlying "upcountry" location and not a large city or mission center, which would make our family well suited for since we are home schooling  (because we would not be "tied" to living and working only in  areas with appropriate schools).  Second, since I got a degree in elementary education, it seemed silly to me to send my child to school when I was capable of teaching her on my own, while at the same time being certain a strong foundation of faith and good character is being developed in her. Though, I should say, I don't believe a degree in education us necessary to home school. I think any parent that truly desires to provide the best education they can for their child is capable of doing so; there is so much good home school curriculum out there for both the seasoned educator and the parent with no teaching experience.

In one our first years home schooling, the decision was cemented for me as our educational method of choice, when while doing a Bible assignment reading, and in response to questions I asked about it, Olivia chose to give her heart to Jesus. I got to be an integral part in her conversion BECAUSE we chose to home school!! I also got the joy of being the one to teach her to read...and the list goes on!

I know my children, their strengths, weaknesses, learning styles and ways to motivate them better than any teacher in a classroom of dozens of students could.

We get to:

tailor what our children learn and when they learn it. We include biographies of missionaries and as we learn about people around the world, we pray for them!

Build intimate and meaningful relationships with our children.

Tailor  teaching to fit our children's dominant learning styles.

Give our children in-depth, personal attention in any subject with which they struggle or excel. We are able to teach our values and beliefs to our children and address their questions when they have them.

Protect our children from the negative influences they may encounter outside the home. 

We can Nurture our children's natural (musical, artistic) talents so they thrive and grow.We are able to address "big issues" with our children when WE feel they're ready. Share with our children the common, everyday joys of life. 

Teach them how to manage a household, cook and clean so they are more independent and prepared for life on their own. Help our children mature through the difficult times in their lives. We can even take vacations during the school year (and make them educational)!

(the following reason is copied from a blog I came across of a home schooling family with 13 children. I liked how she phrased this, so I copied it in, her original post is at: http://imghanaadopt.blogspot.com/2008/10/basic-beliefs-why-do-we-teach-our.html)

 "Not only do we believe that parents should be the primary adult influence on their children's lives, but we also believe that siblings should be each other's best friends. Family should ALWAYS be a greater influence than peers.

When teenagers spend 7 hours per day at school ... and 3 hours per day in after-school extra-curricular activities ... and 2 hours per day doing homework .... and 8 hours per day sleeping ... that only leaves a couple hours per day for relationships with family members. It is nearly impossible for siblings to be each other's best friends, if they never see each other.

If our older children were gone 10 hours per day, they would not have very close relationships with our youngest children. However, because they have all spent their days working together, learning together, and playing together, our children are VERY close to the siblings that are even 10-15 years younger or older than they are."

My Favorite Little Tater Tots

I thought I bought bleach...

See where it says WITH (teeny eensy weensy tiny letters, the black arrow is pointing it out, beware, it's small), and Bleach in monstrous letters??? How annoying. You see, I don't read the fine print, or directions usually. It's a time-saving device, or a character flaw. So now I possess this teeny bottle of laundry detergent with bleach, when I just wanted bleach. Sigh.

Halloween

Yes, we do Halloween...but that just means we get dressed up, carve a pumpkin, go to a party at church and trick or treat to friends' houses. One year we went with friends to a neighborhood in Wichita that goes ALL OUT. Every house was elaborately decorated with VERY SCARY stuff that jumped out, had sounds, one even had a guillotine with mock execution every half hour. It turned my stomach, and the kids did not enjoy it. I don't get how people enjoy being scared. To me, it feels unnatural, just makes me want to flee. So, we don't go out for the spooky. We play it light.

Some in history may have tried to make Halloween into a celebration of evil. We're not helping them out, we're reclaiming it for God, fun, for a night celebrating dressing up, being child-like playing games and eating lots of SUGAR!!

This year, we went homemade in the costume department, for which I was grateful to not spend the money!! We are at a missionary center where they have a "boutique", which is like a thrift store, that's really just a giant missionary barrel. You get what you need, it's free. We got the clothes, mask, jewelry we needed for all three kids there. We bought Olivia's dress at Goodwill and she added on to it with fabric paint and made her own crown.

 Olivia was Queen Elizabeth I, since we have been reading about her in history. Isaiah was Darth Vader (he even does the heavy breathing thing, very funny!) and Grace was Princess Leia... which she loved except for me putting her hair in the signature Leia style (the pouty photo above is her sulking because I had just done her hair)...but I insisted she needed it!! We love Star Wars and the kids love playing "Lego Star Wars" on the play station. On a side note, on our honeymoon in Costa Rica, we were at the beach, but on Christmas day, watched the WHOLE Star Wars series (All 6!)

Pet Peeves

When some lady, who appears to be my age OR YOUNGER calls me "Sweety" or "Honey"...it's endearing from a Grandma-type, but condescending from the former. Grr.

When dinner's on the table and I say(with prior warning!) "Let's eat" and no one makes a move. I've been working on their food for the past 30-60ish minutes, when it's ready, they better be too :)

Melancholy

I share a birthday with Abraham Lincoln, which I am proud of, sharing a birthday with our abolitionist president. I recently listened to an audio book (a recent addiction, especially for long road trips, like we did this summer, they make the time go MUCH faster! Also great for cleaning house, washing dishes, sorting piles of stuff you threw into a pile instead of putting away properly :) on him, it was called something to the effect of "Lincoln's Melancholy", and explored claims that Lincoln suffered from depression, but then they called it "melancholy". Based on the book, he came by it genetically, and circumstantially, suffering a lot of personal tragedy for one man. I cannot imagine suffering from it without the relief modern day medicines offer, and still leading this country and the fight against slavery.... because I have suffered from clinical depression, I now realize, since high school. 

The general symptoms I can recall feeling, but I specifically remember one night I found myself crying, bawling, for really no reason! My sweet mother held me and comforted me and kept asking, "What's wrong?" and I kept saying, "I don't know", and I really didn't. I felt torn apart inside, exhausted, beaten down and in a dark lonely place, but I didn't have any reason to feel that way; life was good, I had good friends and a loving family.

It wasn't until I was married, with two kids that I finally recognized and accepted the fact that I was depressed. I was married to my wonderful man and best friend with two beautiful happy girls and my dream job, and yet, I constantly felt

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions (at my worst I could not remember holding a conversation with someone that I know happened, and I'm not even 30 yet)
• fatigue and decreased energy (like I was physically being pushed down or slogging through mud)
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness (Pretty much constant, I would question people being nice or friendly to me. Felt I did not measure up as a wife, mother, employee, Christian, everything)
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism (Yes, and I might add, some paranoia, assuming people think the worst of me, and have ulterior motives if doing something kind. For example, in the grocery store, I would hear people talking and believe they were mocking my clothes, body, etc., while at the same time, knowing in my head that was probably not logically the case!)
• insomnia, early morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping (Mine was excessive sleeping, I wanted to do nothing more than sleep and chose sleep over hobbies, and this was all the time, not just when the kids were babies)
• irritability, restlessness (I would snap at those I love most, my husband and kids, for no reason at all. I constantly cussed, under my breath to myself, and was always angry...at traffic, at people, circumstances, a toy I tripped over, ANYTHING)
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex (I used to love to draw, paint, write stories, read but can count on one hand how often that happened while depressed. I didn't have the energy to even start the task, let alone enjoy it)
• no pleasure left in life any more
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings (I very often felt incredibly lonely, even when surrounded with friends and family, and empty-literally, like there was a big hole inside of my widening constantly)

(These feelings that often come with depression were copied from WebMD, I elaborated about my experience in parentheses)

I want to write more, but I'm having trouble doing it. Didn't foresee that. :( 

This -talking about depression- is probably the main reason I started a blog of my own, because it's a constant battle. I take an antidepressant daily, and I thank God for it! It enables me to live "normally" to find joy everyday in my children's smiles and play, and to spend time content and happy with my husband. Some days are still hard, even with the medication and they remind me to thank God all the more for all the good days! Recently I went a week without my prescription because my insurance changed their policies and I played phone tag, long distance,  with nurses at my doctor's office trying to get a prescription called that would work and that the insurance would cover. It was a miserable week. I felt hopeless, empty, guilty, bitchy. I was just awful to my sweet kids, snapping at them for DUMB things! I would instantly feel sorry and ashamed and apoplogize then it would happen again minutes later. The inner turmoil, knowing what's wrong, how it needs to change and not being able to make the changes, were miserable. All the feelings I listed above, I Know with my head aren't real ( I know I'm loved and I measure up to God and to my family), but when you really FEEL it....it's....just hard. 

Because I have a relationship with God, and I know we are spritual beings, I don't  deny the fact that this war in me may be more than a chemical imbalance. In fact prayer and time with God is part of my "stay out of the depths of depression" regimen. I can feel it when I haven't been spending time with God. 

There are some Christians who think depression is solely a spiritual matter, and with them I respectfully disagree. My husband felt the same way when we were married and after seeing little relief through only spiritual means, he has come to agree with me that certainly time with God is vital in any Christian's life, but for me, medication corrects the chemical imbalance in my brain and makes me feel alive again, and make me want to rejoin my life and family, to smile & laugh again, joke, run and play.

 I spent months in personal therapy working through issues that needed to be worked through. Someday I'll share about those issues here. But medication is what really gave me my life back. I thank God for the women God brought into my life in Wichita to help me see my struggle for what it was and walk me through the steps toward healing and finding joy again, the "greater joy" that only He gives.

Third Culture Kid Addendum

Photo #1 Jerry in a canoe in his village in Papua New Guinea (PNG)

Photo #2 Jerry, his dad & a Papua New Guinean man reading over the new translation of the New Testament Jerry's dad translated

#3 Jerry & his parents in front of their home on Bougainville Island, Papua New Guinea, when Jerry was a teenager

#4 Breanna in Costa Rica with Ticos from the Los Guido church

#5 Breanna at a pastors' families' retreat in Costa Rica (tall white one in the back, always) 

*Note: Jerry's parents met and were married in Papua New Guinea, Jerry was born and raised his whole childhood there, attending a variety of national schools, mission schools and occasionally was home schooled.

Breanna moved to Costa Rica at age 11 and was there through her junior year in high school, though not a long time period, being they were such formative years, Costa Rica IS home for Breanna.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Third Culture Kids (abbreviated TCKs or 3CKs) (aka. Global Nomad) "refers to someone who [as a child] has spent a significant period of time in one or more culture(s) other than his or her own, thus integrating elements of those cultures and their own birth culture, into a third culture".^[1] The composition of TCK sponsors changed greatly after WWII. Prior to WWII, 66% of TCKs came from missionary families and 16% came from business families. After WWII, with the increase of international business and the rise of two International Superpowers, the composition of international families changed.^[2] Sponsors are generally broken down into five categories: Missionary (17%), Business (16%), Government (23%), Military (30%), and "Other" (14%).^[3]

Since the term was coined by sociologist Ruth Hill Useem in the 1960's, TCKs have become a heavily studied global subculture. TCKs tend to have more in common with one another, regardless of nationality, than they do with non-TCKs from their own country.^[4][5]

"A Cross-Cultural Kid (CCK) is a person who has lived in—or meaningfully interacted with—two or more cultural environments for a significant period of time during developmental years.” - CCK definition by Ruth E. Van Reken, co-author Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds

3rd Culture Kid

 Olivia would absolutely kill me if she knew I was putting this on the blog...but I just have to share. She won for craziest hair at the sleepover. She actually let me do all this to her hair and was good natured about it. I wanted to get some of that halloween hair color spray, but she would have none of that. She HATES to have her hair cut, or do anything "strange"  that I would do with mine, like allow my stylist to try as many color combinations as she'd like in my hair, or chop it all off in a whim. To me it is JUST HAIR and will grow back if I don't like. My hair is like a mood ring. I don't like it to be the same for too long at a time. Though I have pretty much decided long hair is not for me. The shortest and funkiest  I can get without looking retarded or blimp-like, I'm game. But that's me, NOT my daughter, Olivia. She hates my modern/abstract choices in decorating art, what have you. In Wichita, we had a beautiful floral couch that was given to us, I agree it was pretty, but it was just not my style. I had beige cover for it, that constantly had to be arranged to look nice. Olivia often would just take the cover off completely, and then I'd come back through and put it on again. She couldn't believe I painted our dining room red. She hates that I give her three- year-old brother a mohawk. When I come back from getting my hair cut and/or colored, I know better than to ask what she thinks...so  I say, "well wait 'til you have your own house to decorate, walls to paint, son's head to take care of. " So that's why she would kill me to know these photos are here. But that's just why I have to share!!!

I have come a long way in developing my own personality and tastes since I was her age. My gosh it makes me shake my head...she is JUST LIKE I WAS at this age!! I was a little adult, wanted to be all grown up, not seen as a child in the least. I had wise observations on the statements and actions of my little sister, as she does on her sibs. I wanted to be "proper", not too wild, not drawing too much attention to myself, being just unique enough to feel a bit adventurous. She is painfully, paralyzingly afraid of situations she didn't expect, couldn't see coming, couldn't prepare herself for. I would have been the same. I have slowly worked myself out of the painful shyness I had as a kid & teenager because of which I COULD NOT MAKE MYSELF say something to someone I didn't know, couldn't even think of anything to say, so afraid there would be knots in my stomach. So we're not surprised at her complaints of stomach and throat pain amidst all our moving and making new friends, visiting new churches for support, churches to attend while here for two months of training etc. Just one of the reasons the kids stayed with grandparents while Jerry and I were on the road all summer sharing about our ministry and developing ministry partnerships.

We ask most for prayers for Olivia

with our move to Kenya, because she doesn't know how to prepare herself for this. We've

 done all that we can. She has a pen pal in Kenya who's daddy is also an AIM-Air pilot. We've

 studied Africa extensively in our home schooling. We've studied Swahili. We've talked a lot about the orientation we'll got through for three weeks when we get there, the two weeks living in a Kenyan family's home after that. We've talked about jet lag, race, accents, not drinking the water, crowds, crime, how she'll likely have people pawing over her hair, different culture....absolutely everything we can think of to possibly prepare our precious daughter for what she will face. 

Yet we don't know just what she'll face. We don't know what we'll face. Because Jerry grew up in Papua New Guinea and I grew up in Costa Rica, we CAN assure here that IT WILL BE OKAY, but really,

 how much does that help coming from mom and dad??

We had fun at the mother/daughter sleep over and it was great to see her with friends being her silly, playful uninhibited self. I was SO glad to see her feeling at ease, not out of place, not unsure of what to make of everything as she has been with all the changes in the past couple years. We are at a mission center and all the kids here GET IT... They know what it's like to always be in limbo, never being "home"...but here she can say, "I just live here for two months, then we're at grandma & Grandpa's and then we fly across the world to a country I've never been and I am supposed to call it home and be happy about that and the fact I'm leaving friends behind. I am supposed to smile and be cordial to all the new people I meet, all the people I've known since I was 'this

 high', all the people who said they changed my diaper..." I get what it feels like for her to be comfortable with kids that just understand all that without saying a word.  I understand that she doesn't yet know that that is who she is now  -a child without a "home". From now on, she will always have to stop and think when people ask where she's from. 

By virtue of us deciding God has called our family overseas, we've made her an outsider in the country she was born in. Sure, she looks it and her passport says it, but from now on, she will belong to- not the second country we will live in and make home as best we can (Kenya)- but a third culture...the culture of those kids (like the ones at this center) who don't feel quite at home anymore in their "passport country",  yet when in their at home abroad country, clearly, the skin color, the accent doesn't match; so she is a member of the third culture, made up by smooshing (technical term) the cultures she knows together.

 It will be hard. She will cry for her best friend left behind in the states who will seem to forget her as her life goes on though Olivia's will take a while to "get going", and find "normal" in Kenya. She will cry when she can't see her grandparents her first birthday or Christmas abroad. Will we abort our plans for all the pain this move will cause? Not a chance. We know, having been MKs (Missionary Kids),  that though there is much pain, there is much happiness. Mention a continent now, we probably have a friend there. Listen to the world news, we've got a particular insight into what's going on because we've been there or seen a government do that, we know missionaries there and this is what their ministry is all about.... Our lives are much richer for the experiences we've had. Our spiritual lives are much more developed for the missionaries of great faith who we watched in action, for the nationals, new Christians with faiths that put ours to shame when we doubt that God will not heal or move this mountain or change that government policy. They pray for dinner and it shows up. They pray for healing and it happens. Their life was threatened and cursed and God protected them. 

These are the stories we want Olivia  to see and feel. I want her to cry like I did in despair at the mountainside slums with no running water where the children are dirty sick and starving. I want her to feel what God must when he sees it and hears their prayers daily. God has not only called Jerry & me to the mission field. He's not ignorant to the fact we have three children and there's a reason, probably lots of them he wants them there too. I can't wait to see what they will be. But in the meantime, please pray for my baby as she sees how hard it is to become an MK and third culture kid.

to be a blogger

Here's proof we did the zip line of the Costa Rican rain forest canopy as I mentioned at the end of this post :) This was after our wedding in Costa Rica in 2001. This was the first of two of these type of zip lines we did...this was more scary because you had to break yourself with your hand in a leather glove, though I found that hard to do because my hand was getting hot and beginning to hurt. The second place we ziplined, ear Arenal volcano, was a lot more professional and you had a mechanical brake, but mostly the guides took care of stopping you.

There they are, the joys of my life! My husband the love of my life. Prince Charming & Mr. Right (okay, minus the nose hair he might be perfect, but he IS human) -the man that puts up with an amazing amount of ...everything from me. More on that later. And my three favorite kids in the world: Olivia 1o, Grace 5, and Isaiah 3 (aka Darth Vader, but not as scary giving me the double thumbs up!). 

 Alright,  that's the description on a good day. On a bad day, I want to sell them to the zoo (which I threaten regularly), pull my hair out, run screaming to the hills (or at least to the grocery store which is usually my retreat of choice, from a rough day,  once Jerry gets home) any moms, esp. home school moms can give an "amen" there? I love my kids, I love my man, but somedays, I need a little more personal space, a moment's peace (at least in the bathroom -is that too much to ask?!?)

I've been reflecting a lot on a lot of things. 

-Why we choose to homeschool, why I wouldn't change that (unless my kids really, really really wanted to give "real" school a try,  and it wasn't just because at the moment I was making them do spelling , math or an EDUCATIONAL computer game :), 

-Why I can't wait to get to Africa and see how I can be of use to the children of Africa, orphans of Africa, and Africa Inland Mission in the time I'm not home schooling; 

-and what it feels like to be in the shadow of the valley of depression.

-and how far I've come, no, -scratch that- how far GOD HAS BROUGHT ME since being the rebellious pregnant and unwed  freshman at the Christian college MY parents (both pastors and missionaries) went to,  to today -being a missionary myself, having been on staff at a church as Children's Ministry Director, and making it through college as a single mom to finally get my teaching degree and even, gasp, being successful at it enough to win an award as student teacher of the year. God is amazing...taking the broken pieces of my life that I shattered and making them into a beautiful mosaic. That's the business my God is in, miracles and amazing transformations.

Jerry & I have a blog that is mainly for the purpose of communicating about our ministry of reaching Africa through aviation with Africa Inland Mission. But I felt I needed a place to "journal" if you will, to purge my thoughts and feelings, and find out if there's anyone out there that feels the same. 

Maybe on some things you will think I'm off base, maybe you agree. Maybe you want to dialogue with me...since this cool technological tool of today, the blog, exists, I'm going to give it a shot instead of my traditional random notebook that would end up 

misplaced in a pile in a drawer somewhere, in favor of a cooler looking notebook with all fresh pages. 

So here it is, my inaugural blog post...along  with, of course, photos of my kids. :) I'm a visual learner, you see, so I MUST have photos to make my blog visually appealing.

I've got thoughts I want to share...on depression, on halloween, macs (vs. the pc, not mac 'n' cheese...maybe someday I'll long to post on that, how I wish they made a boxed whole wheat version, but I digress), hair dye, tattoos, other stuff....but it's time to make dinner for my fam and then go to a  mother/daughter sleepover with 

Olivia, So it will have to wait. 

Later, Breanna Friday, Oct. 10,2008

P.S. I mention in my very long sidebar (at right) that among my favorites are the preacher Erwin McManus; the tv show, The Office; and it's not listed as one of my favs, but kind of a given, I believe, since I am from there...Costa Rica. So it was with sheer joy, on listening to Erwin McManus' latest podcast, I shrieked with joy (internally, because I am lying on the couch with mostly flu-like syptoms) when Erwin's opening sermon illustration was about the last Office 

episode and his travels to Costa Rica, and how Toby, from the Office, fell from a zip line through the rainforest canopy and broke his neck. I've done that (the zip line part, not that the falling from the zip line part)!!! Jerry & I, in fact all of my family (the adults anyway) did that on our wedding trip in 2001. Wahoo!!!! Besides that, it was a very timely message and incredible. You should definitely check it out...you can find it at Mosaic.org/podcasts it's the message for 9/28/08, from the "Falling Forward" message series, entitled, "Fear"(the Erwin McManus' one, not Hank Fortener...Hank's I'm sure is great too, but haven't listened to that,  and can't imagine he would use the same illustrations as my main man, Erwin.)